


Two Out Of Every Three Police Officers Aren't Dirty

by 007black



Series: Brokilon 99 [3]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: 7x05, Adopted Children, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Police, Cocaine, Companion Piece, Crack Treated Seriously, Easter Eggs, Established Relationship, Friendship, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon's Parent, Happy Ending, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Inspired by Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Kidnapping, M/M, Multi, Not Beta Read, Only seen the Netflix adaptation, POV Jaskier | Dandelion, Spoilers, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/007black/pseuds/007black
Summary: In which Yennefer and Jaskier definitely do not get beat up by Marilka Irion.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Triss Merigold/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: Brokilon 99 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719238
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Two Out Of Every Three Police Officers Aren't Dirty

Jaskier hauls Marilka out of the room. 

“This isn’t the bathroom.” Marilka turns to look in the direction of the bathroom. 

“Thank you captain obvious.” Jaskier is fit. He has to be, he’s a cop but dragging someone who is pulling the other way is starting to get on his nerves. “I’m busting you out. Stefan sent me to help you with the evidence.” 

“You’re dirty too? That’s awesome!” Thankfully Marilka stops resisting and starts to jog with Jaskier as they enter the parking garage. 

“Here, walk against the wall so the cameras don’t capture us.” Jaskier gently shoves her towards the wall. She excitedly tells him how smart he is then promptly slams her face in the wall, stretches out her arms and begins walking. Jaskier curses, astounded by her stupidity and begins following her normally, his face not against the wall. 

Tires screech and Yennefer climbs out of her car. Marilka turns around and starts screaming. 

“Oh no they caught us!” 

“Hey, no it’s ok Yennefer works for Stefan too. She’s helping us escape.” Jaskier crouches and holds his hands up, like he’s approaching a wild animal. 

“Get in the trunk.” Yennefer has one leather gloved hand resting on the erect trunk. Her other gloved hand is shoved in her leather jacket pocket. 

“So sorry about this Marilka, I know it is a dark, small space but we need to get you out of here unseen.” Jaskier offers a hand to Marilka and help her climb in the trunk. 

“Oh Jaskier you’re so sweet. I don’t mind. I enjoy small confined places.” Yennefer slams the trunk down before Marilka can say more. 

The ride to the hotel is silent, but Jaskier quietly hums to himself. It helps with his nerves. 

Yennefer parks in the guest lot and Marilka finally reveals the room number. They take the elevator, still careful to avoid eye contact, and Jaskier holds open the door. The bed is covered with the bricks of cocaine and the guns. Marilka throws herself down on the foot of the bed sighing. 

“So you’re going to stay here with me?” She eyes them warily. 

“Well we need to help you protect the drugs.” Jaskier shrugs. 

“Oh no.” Marilka laughs. “I don’t need help. I go to a women’s defence class at the gym. I’m very tough.” She proves this by jutting our her leg and grunting. Then thrust out her fist and shouts. 

“Fancy. You even make sounds.” He and Yennefer have backed up against the wall. 

“When’s Skellen coming to pick up the coke?” Yennefer is getting impatient. 

“Oh you know whenever. It could be minutes, hours, a day, or two.” Marilka starts to bounce on the bed. “He just told me to wait for this burner phone to ring. I don’t know, you know how he is.” She pulls out a dated phone and tosses it on the bed near the coke. 

“Of course. We always laugh about his ways.” Jaskier lets out a nervous chuckle nudging Yennefer to do the same. 

“I bet! He’s really quite funny. You know, one time he said to me ‘If you mess this up I will slice you up with my blade.’ Like what?” She giggles at her attempt at the mans voice. 

“He threatened you?” Jaskier was right. “That’s why you went dirty.”

“No silly!” Marilka is still laughing. “He offered me a million dollars.” She scoffs. “I had no choice my father is ill and needs an experimental surgery, those are expensive.” Jaskier glances at Yennefer hoping she can see the ‘I told you so’ in his eyes. “What about you guys? How’d he turn you?” 

Jaskier has this part rehearsed. “Oh I was dirty long before he arrived. I’m into coke. They call me ‘bringer if dandelions’ because spring flowers come out quickly after I make the snow disappear.” He finishes with jazz hands. 

“Right. I’m going to text the squad and tell them me and Jaskier are out looking for you. Make sure those idiots don’t think we helped you escape.” Yennefer’s nails start clicking as she types out her message. 

“Oooh!” Marilka leans on her elbows, ready to conspire. “You think the squad is a bunch of idiots.” 

“Oh obviously. Valdo is pathetic, really he’s a laughing stock. Lambert is all brawn no brain, Triss is so naive, Shrike is so negative, DeVries has a stick up her ass and Geralt is so narcissistic, he thinks he’s so handsome and strong, thinks he’s the smartest. His arms are really nice-“ Yennefer stomps on his foot. “And he smells like rotting onions, have you smelt him. Everyone has at least once. Then learned their lesson it’s gross. Yenn come outside?” 

“Oh calm down lark.” She says after the door shuts. 

“Oh thank god you’re not going to tell everyone what I said? It’s not true I was just acting you know this. I love Triss she’s so caring, and Geralt only smells like onions after he works out but every other time it’s like a dark honey and really it’s very sexy.” 

“Oh shut up, I’m saying relax because I am going to tell them and nothings going to stop me.” Her violet eyes are smug. 

“Melitele’s tits. Moving on, did you tell them we don’t know when Skellen will come?” 

She nods. “I don’t understand why we can’t just arrest her now, we have the drugs and the weapons why are we waiting?”

“I want to catch the real bad guy, Skellen, plus she said she only did it for the money to help her dad.” Jaskier hopes the man is in recovery. 

“You know there are many other ways to get money.” Yennefer hisses. “She could’ve gone to the bank!” 

“She wouldn’t have had trouble either. She’s a straight white girl.” Yennefer has a point. He continues before she can object. “I know you didn’t say that but we where both thinking it.” 

“Jaskier, her dad worked next to the mayor. He was on city council. They must have money or at least a plan that would cover it. Let get back in there. There are two machine guns and a lady that’s out of her mind in there and we don’t need to get hurt.” 

“Marilka isn’t crazy, she’s so sweet and polite. She apologizes when handing in reports. He ignores Yennefer when she mumbles something about Marilka having a crush on him. 

They enter the room to find an open package of cocaine, some powder on the table and Marilka with a machine gun in each hand, pupils blown out. “Welcome back friends!” She is now waving the machine guns around. “Jaskier, I took your recommendation and tried some of the coke.” Jaskier curses internally. Yennefer pulls him towards the bed. “I thought I’d try just a little bit, but nothing happened.” They duck behind the bed. “Then I tried another line, but still couldn’t feel anything.” They look over the bed covers but quickly duck down again when she waved the machine gun in her right hand at them. “After that line, I started to feel it. So I took some more! Damn it’s really good!” She pauses. “Hey guys, why are you hiding behind the bed?”

Jaskier stands up a little. “Because you’re high and waving two very dangerous machine guns at us.” 

“What these?” She swings them around for emphasis. “I’m not going to hurt you! It’s like totally fine!” She yells as she karate chops at the curtains. “O M G! Finally. We needed more light.” She has pulled the curtain rod out of the wall. The fancy curtains are now wrinkled on the floor. “The ideas are like flowing out of me. I can finally think!” The more she talks the faster she gets. “You know Geralt’s name always reminds me of garroter. Have you guys ever noticed that?” She trails off, bending down to inspect something on the table. 

“Still feel sorry for hear now that she is a crackhead?” Jaskier wipes Yennefer’s spit off his cheek. 

“Yes I do because she’s not a crack head she is a very innocent and anxious girl who is mixed up with some very bad people and to cope, tried cocaine. She’ll probably never snort it again.” Jaskier, ever the gentleman, doesn’t spit on Yennefer’s face. 

“Woohoo! Just who just did more booger sugar, you lookers?” Marilka wipes the white smudges off her nose. “I’m just living life. This is my new thing!” Jaskier brushes the back of his hand against Yennefer’s and she leans on his side. The ancient phone on the bed starts whistling and Marilka grabs it. 

“Is it Skellen?” Yennefer pulls her hand away to the pocket with her phone. 

“Yes. He’s asking if I’m ready to do the handoff in two hours.” She scratches her chin and takes her time to think. “Uh I’m actually going to go ahead and say no, because I’m having so much fun with my new besties Jas and Yenn!” 

“No! Wait! Hey, you should probably not mention us.” Jaskier panics. “We don’t want him thinking your having fun which isn’t what your supposed to be doing your supposed to be working. Keep it brief. Two hours sounds great!” 

“Oh so smart Jas, I’m going to send my favourite GIF of Lars Mikkelsen giving a thumbs up.” She turns the phone off. “Oh Mr. Mikkelsen what a hottie.” She blushes. “Yenn if you could do anything to his body what would you do?” 

“Nothing.” Yennefer looks uncomfortable. 

“Yennefer!” Jaskier scolds hoping Yennefer will play along. “We all know that sexy beast Lars is an international sex symbol. Everyone loves him. Tell her what you would do!” She takes his prompt and rattled off a list of very kinky and frankly disturbing things she would do to his body. Marilka seems pleased but corrects Yennefer and informs that Mr. Mikkelsen would only do half the things he listed. 

Not wanting this to continue and having no idea who Lars Mikkelsen actually was he decides to move the conversation along. “Well that’s enough about good old Lars. We all know how good looking he is and secretly want to look like him but we should get ready to meet Stefan.” 

Marilka rolls her eyes up and down his body. “Your eyes are the same. So really you’re closer that you think.” 

“What?” He should of listened to Yennefer this woman is definitely short a marble. 

“Hey Yennefer? Not that your a third wheel but can you fill up the ice bucket?” She hands over the bucket that is still filled to the brim with ice. 

“Okay.” Yennefer hesitates, glancing at Jaskier to make sure he will be alright. “I’ll update the squad too. Say we’re still looking.” 

Marilka hesitates in letting go of the handle. “You have been texting them quite a lot.” 

“Yes, so our cover doesn’t get blown. We don’t want them onto us.” Yennefer stands at her full height. 

“Really? Cause I don’t think so.” Marilka is slowly reaching for the gun. “I feel there’s something you’re not telling me.” 

“No, I feel the drugs are making you paranoid.” Yennefer grabs the door handle. 

“No you’re the paranoid one!” Marilka accuses, grabbing the gun and pointing it at Yennefer. “Don’t you move.” 

“Ok, that’s not fair let’s be nice.” Jaskier says soothingly, stepping in front of Yennefer. “Marilka dear, what are you doing?”

“Give me your goddamn phone!” Jaskier no longer has sympathy for Marilka. 

“No.” Yennefer pushes the bucket into Jaskier’s arms. “Ok this is ridiculous. Marilka Irion, you’re under arrest.” 

“What?” Marilka’s voice is back to normal. “You’re not even dirty!” 

“Bingo. Now I need that gun.” Yennefer moves forward but Marilka yells and kicks Yennefer’s stomach. Yennefer groans and bends over. Marilka slams the gun handle into her spine knocking her to the ground. Jaskier isn’t sure why the coke and gym classes has given Marilka superpowers but he can’t think of a way the situation could possibly get worse. 

Together they guide Yennefer down to the car. Marilka has the gun pressed into Yennefer’s back and warns her not to try anything. 

“Marilka you are making a big mistake this isn’t going to work.” Yennefer looks up from inside the trunk. She almost looks like she’s begging with her hangs tied and up on her chest. Marilka slams the trunk shut. 

“I’m such a terrible judge of character! I was wrong to trust Rosa, I missed all the signs from the fake hotdog stand guy. What is wrong with me?” Marilka’s whining is getting very annoying. Unfortunately for him she still has the gun so he has to try and calm her down. 

“Nothing, you’re just coming down from the many handfuls of coke you did.” Jaskier tries to look sympathetic. 

“Right. I’m so dumb. I’m such an idiot.” Marilka brings the side of the gun and hits her head with it. With each hit she mutters, “I’m dumb.” She gets two more hits before Jaskier stepping closer grabs her attention. 

“Hey, why don’t you let me hold your gun for you, and then you can hit yourself in the face with your fist like a normal person having a mental breakdown.” He hopes she hands over the gun. 

She doesn’t. “I can’t give you my gun. You’ll probably try and arrest me.” She sounds so forlorn. 

“Marilka, I’m not like Yennefer. Here, check my phone. I haven’t been texting the squad. I have nothing to hide.” He digs his phone out of his front pocket and hands it over unlocked. 

“I don’t know there are a lot of tender messages between you and Lieutenant Rivia.” She scrolls through the messages. “I though you said he stinks like rotting onions.” 

“He does!” 

“Prove it. Describe his stink to me. Don’t think about it. Just say it.” 

“He smells like rotting onions that have been left outside in the smouldering sun for a week during the hottest days of summer.” He recites. 

Marilka hesitates then drops his phone on the ground. “Ok, I buy it. I trust you.” She stomps her heel on his phone, the screen crunching under the pressure. 

“What was that for?” 

“Yennefer probably told the squad that you’re corrupt and that they could use your phone to track us to the new drop site.” Marilka rolls her eyes seemingly quite annoyed at Jaskier and his stupid question. 

Oh. That makes sense. “Good thinking. Should I drive? That way you can take a nap and get the coke out of your system.” Marilka inhales loudly. He looks at the left over coke in her palm. “And you just did a bunch more.” 

“I did!” She throws up her arms, gun waving around again. “I’m the king of Verden. And I’m driving!” She hollers and saunters over to the driver’s side of the car. 

Marilka fumbles with the radio until the pleasant sounds of Essi’s voice fill the car. Jaskier thinks the drive was unnervingly quick but Marilka was speeding, so that is the most likely cause for the rapidly approaching countryside mansion. 

Yennefer is pushed up the stairs with Marilka’s gun and then duck taped to a chair. 

“This is so much better than that dump of a hotel, right?” Marilka doesn’t wait for an answer. “This place has six chimneys.” She stops swinging her arms to sniff and wipe her nose. 

“Hey, Marilka? Who’s house is this?” Jaskier’s voice gets pitchy when he’s nervous. 

“It’s mine! I own it, well uh until eleven a.m. on Wednesday.” She rubs at her nose again. “We have to be out by then or it’s another 45 thousand to Airbnb. But until then I’m a mansion girl.” She resumes dancing and is signing about being a mansion girl. 

“What happened to using the money for your father’s surgery?” Demands Yennefer. “Was that a lie?”

“No, my father is really sick. I found out this morning that the mayor’s son payed for my father’s surgery as a kind of thanks for being a good business partner to his father.” Marilka starts cursing at the mayor and his son. She seems to really hate him. “He’s a big shot attorney and works for his dad, he has a family and he’s not afraid of ghosts. Well, guess what? I get to keep the cash now! So take that jerk, and you know put it!” She looks lost again but quickly begins dancing and singing. “She’s a mansion girl, she’s so rich and she’s hot, she’s a mansion girl with a kitchen island.” Her off key singing trails off as she climbs the spiral staircase. 

“Little pitchy.” 

Yennefer rounds on him. “Still think Marilka is a good person?”

“Well honestly, that whole dad reveal didn’t help my case.” Jaskier notices she left the burner phone on the coffee table. “Ok, I’m going to call the squad on her burner phone.” He barley makes a step before Marilka is running down the stairs. 

“Look what I found!” She pulls at the collar of a fur coat. “Do you like it Jask?” 

He hopes it is fake fur but doubts it. “Yes! I love it!” She preens and smiles, loving the attention. “Definitely some Cruella de Vil vibes.”

“No, no, I’m not Cruella De Vil, I could never own that many dogs.” Marilka smoothes down the front of her coat. “I’m Perdita!” 

Wait. Who? “Who?” 

“The romantic lead of the film.” She grits her teeth. Jaskier still isn’t following. “Pongo’s wife?” Jaskier thinks she’s made this character up. “The girl dog?” Oh! Her!

“Yes, yes.” He nods enthusiastically. “You look just like Perdita!” 

“Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!” Her anger dissipates and she leans forward, puckering her lips and making kissing noises. 

Jaskier looks back at Yennefer in horror. She shrugs. She’s not very helpful. He shoots her an annoyed look. “Marilka, dear?” She pulls back and nods. “Could you hand me your phone so I can take a picture of all this? I mean the house, the coat, put it on Instagram? You’re probably going to want to show this off to people, right?”

She gasps. “That is such a good idea! I do want to show off to people! Let me just make a quick call.” She calls her mom. 

Jaskier doesn’t know how many minutes pass before the doorbell rings and Marilka elatedly greets her mom. 

“Hi Mom! Do you like my mansion?” 

“Marilka Deborah, why are you holding a gun.” Jaskier can’t see the woman but her voice is cold and uncaring. 

“Good heavens, Mom!” Marilka is even more of a drama-queen than he is. “I am wearing a fur coat, and that’s what you focus on? I hate you so freaking much!” 

Oh goodie. Another hostage. Jaskier and Yennefer share a knowing look. 

The older lady gets dragged into the house, and Marilka pulls up another chair. Without taking her coat or her bag, Marilka pushes her mother into the chair and duck tapes her to it. 

“Why are you doing this Marilka?” Jaskier isn’t sure that sounding condescending while being held at gunpoint is a good idea. 

“Because you’re being so mean, Mom!” She continues to wrap around the tape. “I also know that if I didn’t tie you up, you’d probably go run and find your phone so you could call Dad.” 

“Maybe we should call him. He could help, he’s friends with the mayor and many lawyers.” 

“Yeah I know who he is. Do you think you could stop talking about how Dad is a big rich and powerful businessman every five seconds?” A full blown tantrum bursts out of her. 

Yennefer takes the distracting and pokes at Jaskier’s thigh. “You need to get the gun from her.” 

“I know that, but how do I get close enough?” He makes an effort not to look at her and watch Marilka bully her Mom. 

“Well there is one way.” It almost sounds like Yennefer finds this funny. “She clearly has a thing for you.” 

“Where did you get that? Just because she has a fantasy of us as a dog couple?” He thinks about it. “Wait. Yup. I see it. That’ll work.” He slowly walks towards the woman yelling about chimneys. “Pardon me, sorry to interrupt.” He extends his hand. “Mrs. Irion, we weren’t properly introduced, I am Jaskier, Marilka’s boyfriend.” 

“You are? We are?” Jaskier’s ears hurt from Marilka’s shrill, nasally yelling. 

“Yes, if that pleases you.” Flirting with her is extremely painful. 

“It does. I do.” She grabs his hand. Her hand is sweaty and warm. “See, Mom? I am with someone.” Her mother looks as disgusted as he felt. ”All those psychics where wrong!” 

“So listen, baby goose-” Jaskier thinks of better pet names only after he has said that. 

“Yes, babe?” It sounds so wrong coming out of her mouth and not Geralt’s. 

“I was thinking-“ 

“About what, babe?” Is she trying to sound sweet? 

“-that we-“ He tries again. 

“Go on, babe.” Melitele, is she trying to sound sexy now?

“Wow. You really like the ‘babe’ thing.” 

“I love it!” She is swaying now. He grabs her shoulders to steady her. 

“Delightful. Just the same, I was just going to say, after all this, once we are done with this big score, we will need a place to hide out, a place the cops could never find us.” 

“Like Epcot?” 

“Yes, exactly, Epcot. That is what I was thinking.” Jaskier thinks the theme park is more suited to a honeymoon than a place for fugitives to hide, but it’s not going to happen anyway. 

“Ooh we can kiss in front of Freya’s Garden! On the waters of The Isle of Mists, yes, in the Novigrad Courtyard!” Marilka sways her hips and closes her eyes. 

“Yes, but why wait till Novigrad’s courtyard? When we can start right now?” Jaskier throws in a wink, just to sell it. 

“Melitele above, this is happened.” 

“Come here.” Jaskier steps closer to her, and reaches for the gun. He barely gets to touch it before she yelps and brings up her knee. He trips and she jams her elbow in his spine, sending him to the floor. 

“What the hell, babe?” She stands over him, hand on the trigger of the gun. 

Marilka moves her Mom next to Yennefer and then hoists Jaskier on the chair next to Yennefer’s. She duck tapes his wrist to the chair and then surveys all of them. 

“Marilka, what’s your plan here?” Jaskier needs to get her calm. “Talk to me.”

“Why? So you can just tell me more beautiful lies?” She doesn’t wait for his response. “You think you can just lick your lips, and make me weak in the knees?” 

“No.” He licks his lips. Nothing. It was worth a try. 

“Nice try but I closed my eyes so I didn’t even see it!” She gestures with the gun. The phone makes a noise, and she turns it on. “Skellen is on his way.” She releases a cackle. “And I’m about to be rich!” 

“Marilka, this is bad! You don’t want to be an accessory to murder.” Jaskier hope she sounds authoritative. 

“What are you talking about?” Marilka sobers up and she pulls her coat around her. 

“What did you think is going to happen when Skellen gets here and finds two cops?” He turns to look at Yennefer. “He’s going to kill us!” 

“Yeah, um I know that.” No longer boisterous and confident, she stutters, her meek voice back. “Er, I’ve obviously thought all of this through and it all is going according to my plans.” She brings her head down into her free hand and the other one jerks up and the gun starts firing shots at the celling. Dust and chunks of wood planks fall to the floor. “I’m sorry, I started trembling and I accidentally-“ The gun goes off again. 

“Marilka, please, put the gun down.” Jaskier prepares for beg. Marilka shrugs of her coat and begins pacing, with the gun still in her hand. 

“Ok. Mm. What if I just tell Skellen not to kill you?” She finishes her lap and heads back to her starting point. “You know, we’re business associates, we make all of our business decisions together.” Once she reaches the stars, she spins and paces back. 

“Yep. We’re all going to die today.” Yennefer isn’t helping the situation, as usual. 

“Marilka, if you just untie us, we can help you get out of here.” Jaskier’s suggestion makes Marilka approach. 

“Ok, but if I untie you, you’ll just arrest me, and then I’ll go to prison for the rest of my life.” She raises her voice, angry and ready to argue. 

“You’ll be in prison anyway.” Yennefer unhelpfully points out. “I guarantee you if anything happens to us, the VPD will hunt you down.” 

“Ok. Ok, ok. Maybe I should surrender.” She shakes her head. “No, I don’t want to go to jail. Right. Ok, I don’t know what to do.” She rushes at her Mom. “Uh hey Mom? Help me!” 

“Now you need my help?” She raises her eyebrows unbelieving. “Please, it doesn’t matter what I say. You’re still going to mess it up. Just like you messed up your bangs, when you had to cut your own hair.” 

Knowing how children can be, like Ciri, he addresses the Mom. “Well, I’m sure that was a long time ago.” 

The older lady glares at him. “That was last year.” 

He gulps. “I see.” 

Mrs. Irion faces her daughter again. “Or when you got in a car accident? Just when your Father was scheduled to give a speech?” Jaskier is sure that if Mrs. Irion’s hand was free she’d be pointing aggressively at Marilka who has her head hung in shame. “Alternatively, when you lost all your money? You invested all your money in a cruise line for cats!” 

“Feline cruise line.” Marilka protests. 

“You know what?” Mrs. Irion puffs her chest out and tilts her chin up to stare at Marilka. “You’re not my daughter anymore.” 

“What? What are you saying?” Marilka squints at her Mother. 

“You have embarrassed me, and the family for the last time.” Mrs. Irion enunciates each word slowly, letting it sink in. “I’m done with you. Good-bye.” 

Yennefer bursts. “Shut up, Libushe!” Jaskier wasn’t sure how one would pronounce the name when he first read Marilka’s file. “It’s the same crap my Pa pulled. Always pointing out my flaws, never helping, and then bailing when things got messy. You know, I was a lot like you.” 

“You where holed up with a whole slew of cocaine and a pair of guns?” Mrs. Irion looks skeptical. 

“That’s none of your business.” Yennefer maintained. 

Jaskier had no idea what she was talking about. “What?” 

Yennefer ignores his doubt. “I spent years telling myself his tough love made me stronger, but do you know what I wished they had really done?” 

Marilka listens wholeheartedly. “What?” 

“Been nice to me.” She simply says. “I wish they would’ve told me I’d made a mistake, that they’d still love me, and they would help me try to figure it out.” She blinks, then reopens her purple eyes, filled with sincerity. “It would’ve saved me a lot of pain. Marilka, you have made some really bad decisions today.” 

“Really bad.” The cold voice of Mrs. Irion adds. 

“Not now, Libushe!” Jaskier hisses at her and she leans back in her chair. 

“You are not a bad person. If we get out of this alive, I promise you, I will help you however I can.” Yennefer doesn’t break eye contact with Marilka. 

“Wow.” Marilka unwinds the tape holding Yennefer down. “Thank you.” After Yennefer stands up, Marilka wraps her arms around her and surprisingly Yennefer does the same. 

“Ahem.” Yennefer coughs. “Your back is very wet.” 

“Yeah, I guess between the fur coat and all the cocaine I’ve been sweating a lot.” Marilka sheepishly drops her arms and backs out of Yennefer’s space. 

The noise of car tires and a car door slamming makes Marilka jump. 

“That’s Skellen.” Yennefer tells Jaskier. “He’s here.” She runs over and helps Jaskier out of the restraints. She grabs a gun and slides the other to Jaskier. She tells Marilka to open the door and stay calm. She nods and takes big strides towards the door. She opens it just as Skellen reaches the top of the stairs. 

“Hi, Marilka.” His lips form a thin line, not quite a smile. “Do you have something for me?” 

Marilka steps out of the door frame. “Yes I do.” She’s squares her shoulders. “I do have something.” Skellen looks pleased. Marilka snaps her fingers and Jaskier and Yennefer step out from behind the door frame, weapons raised. “I have two friends!” She swings her arms like an excited child and Jaskier has to sidestep to avoid being hit by her and he and Yennefer advance to the gang. 

“What the hell is this?” The men behind Skellen draw their guns and aim at the trio. Skellen is still unarmed. 

“Drop your weapons!” Yennefer demands and continues to close in on him. 

“No way!” Finally Skellen reaches for his handgun and infamous throwing star. “You drop your weapons.” Skellen flicks his wrist back ready to launch his blade, but before he can let go, a dozen cop cars flood the country road, sirens wailing. 

Jaskier heard Geralt shout instructions through the car’s speaker and police hightail it out of the cars and up the staircase. He sees ex-captain Eist and Officer Neal disarm the thugs that where stationed by Skellen’s limo. Geralt and Lambert charge up the stairs surrounding Skellen. Triss, Renfri, and Valdo start to put the disarmed minions in the back of the cars, allowing foot patrol officers to continue on to more of the gang. Officer Neal and Eist ask the gang to disarm themselves, but the other uniforms are swarming in and grabbing the guns. Tissaia stays back, supervising the raid, and analyzing where her team needs to go next. Most of the gang are restrained and in the cars, and some cops climb up the stairs. Skellen noticing all but two of his men, the ones guarding him, are gone he takes Marilka as a human shield. 

Unable to control himself, Jaskier snorts, glances at Yennefer. “Oh man.” He sighs. Lambert, Geralt and Skellen are arguing and not paying attention to him. “Grabbing Marilka was a big mistake.” He shrugs faking sympathy as Skellen darts his eyes to look at him. 

“What do you mean by_” Skellen is cut off by Marilka’s elbow nailing him in the face, Marilka using the distraction to dip out of his grasp. 

“Hi-yah!” Using all her strength Marilka boxes his face. Groaning in pain, Skellen lolls to the ground. 

Lambert applauds Marilka’s takedown, and she thanks him. She then turns to Geralt and quotes how Jaskier had earlier described his scent. This is positively worse than Yennefer snitching. Jaskier can play it cool. 

Geralt looks to Jaskier, his crewcut blinding with the sunlight. Jaskier can’t discern what emotion passes through his bright eyes.

“What? That’s weird. I don’t know why she said that.” He makes eye contact with Eist. “Anyway, let’s get Marilka into a cop car!” He moves around Geralt, careful not to step too close, he doesn’t fancy getting beat up again. 

Back at the station, Tissaia gives a debriefing, and Jaskier starts to write out the report, many doing the same. Most of the floor has cleared out. Geralt finishes a little before Jaskier does but waits patiently for him to finish. Finally, Jaskier sets down his pen and stands up. Geralt grabs his coat, and puts on blue hat that reads ‘More Stupider’ in Renfri’s handwriting, and stands by the elevator. Yennefer seems to be finishing up as well, so he pulls up a chair and leans on her desk. 

“So, are you really going to help out Marilka, or did you just say all that stuff so she’d let us go?” 

Yennefer looks up. “I told the DA she cooperated and he agreed to be lenient, it helped that we got Skellen, his men, and the cocaine and weapons were returned.” She takes a deep breath. “Except for the pound of it Marilka did.” Yennefer traces the daisy tattooed on the back of her hand. 

“Yeah, the paramedic said he had never heard a human heart beat so loudly.” Jaskier uncrosses his legs. “He said he could hear it outside of her body.” 

Yennefer shudders. “She’ll probably get ten years. But it’s better than the thirty. Let’s be real, Marilka’s life wasn’t going to begin until she was 50 anyway.” 

Jaskier hums in agreement. “Yeah the kooky aunt vibe will probably play a lot better then.” He moves closer so that only she can hear him. “One last thing.” He glances around to make sure nobody is listening. “We can never let anyone know we got beat up by Marilka Irion.” 

“Agreed.” 

Jaskier is glad Yennefer won’t be snitching about this. “Take it to the grave?” 

“To the grave.” Yennefer confirms. 

“This conversation never happened.” 

Yennefer doesn’t hesitate. “I don’t even know who you are.” 

“Okay, that’s hurtful!” Jaskier clutched his chest in mock pain. “You took it too far.” 

“That’s a weird thing for a stranger to say.” She raises an eyebrow and makes a shooing motion with her hands. “Bye!” 

He pouts at her. 

She rolls her eyes. “It’s a joke.” A smile is starting to form. He stands up and bids her goodbye, and moves towards Geralt, ready to go home and have dinner with Ciri.

**Author's Note:**

> Added some Witcher references, also sorry Lars, who plays Stregobor. Hope you enjoyed. This will probably be the end of the series, could do one-shot prompts later idk, comment suggestions?  
> Toss a kudos/comment to the writer, oh valley of pounds of cocaine! <\- lol funny right?


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